Teach him how to fall

When our son first arrived home from Bulgaria at the age of 4, we started his PT in Alabama. The PT asked what goals we wanted her to to work on with him.  We told her, “We want you to teach him how to fall.”  This might seem like a strange request for the PT.  There are so many other skills we could have asked for her to list in S’s goals.  As we continued our conversation with her, it made perfect sense.  

As a 4 year old, S was very impulsive.  He didn’t realize that he needed to slow down a little bit. He had a reverse walker and was ready to roll!  The problem came when he fell in the hallway or off of the curb.  When you use a walker, you have both hands on your walker.  When you fall forward in a reverse walker with your hands still on the walker, you catch yourself with your face. Unfortunately, this happened more than once multiple times.

They worked on that skill.  He learned how to fall without using his face to catch himself.  We were so excited with this new skill that we would praise him when he fell.  Imagine the reactions of other people observing us as S fell in the store; praising the boy with a walker for a “good fall” instead of running over to coddle him.  Don’t judge!  He worked many hours to make that fall look that good, and he didn’t catch himself with his face!

As S progressed from a walker to crutches, his falls became different and more frequent. Crutches are much less stable than a walker.  S learned how to handle different terrains and floor types.  

Watching him fall

The natural instinct for those around S is to try to catch him if he falls.  That is problematic at this point in his life. It was different when he was younger...and lighter.  He’s not heavy, but he is like a dead weight when he is falling.  We have had to tell people you need to let him fall.  He knows how to do it; if he does, he will get back up because my son is not a quitter.

What does falling look like now?

As a young adult who is in college, falling looks different for our son.  It is more figurative than literal. Entering adulthood brings more challenges into life.  College comes with challenges - meeting deadlines, getting your work done, studying, turning assignments in, making choices about how to best use your time.  Many of these challenges are magnified due to S’s ADD.

My husband and I gave S quite a bit of guidance first semester as he was learning his way through the process.  He has been given the tools he needs to be successful.  He needs to choose to use them or he is going to fall.

Watching him fall

As I stated above, “the natural instinct for those around S is to try to catch him if he falls.  That is problematic at this point in his life. It was different when he was younger.”  At this point in his life, he needs to learn from his choices.  It doesn't mean we can't holler out an occasional warning about a "trip hazard"; however, there are many times my husband and I need to stand back and “watch him fall.” It’s not easy, but he has the tools to catch himself...or get himself back up.

I will be on the couch with chocolate….reading my book....reminding myself it is okay if he falls. He will get back up. 

How is S with time management?

S:  I’m doing well with my schoolwork.

Me:  And you should be.  You only have one class.

This was the tail end of a conversation that my son and I were having the other day.  This conversation started when he came downstairs at approximately 1:00 pm to start his day.  The deal we have is that if you are living at home as a young adult you need to be a productive member of society.  Most productive members start their day prior to 1:00.  I know, I know. Some people work the night shift.  He does not!

[Disclaimer:  This post might seem like it is jumping all over the place.  It has felt that way at our house the past few months. Welcome to our world!]

How did we get here?

There are so many things leading up to this point.  S graduated from high school last year and is currently a student at our local community college.  He started last semester with 7 credits, and that was enough for him.  

Fall Semester

A few posts I wrote last semester include:

The day before college starts

I thought you were exaggerating.

Due dates are not optional!

First semester of college is finished!

There is a common theme in these posts and they have to do with time management and organization.  Our son who is attending college with CP and Low Vision is having a challenging time with his ADD at school.

Spring Semester

This challenge is evidenced by his idea of a plan for college which I had to write about early this semester:  “Winging it” is not a plan for college success.”

He started this semester with two classes.  He is now down to one.  He was missing deadlines in one class.  Not only was he turning in work late, it was incomplete and not his best work.  We had to sit down with him and inform him that it was time to drop the one class, so he could salvage his other class.  

Discussions with Vocational Rehab Counselor

A couple of weeks ago we were at the ophthalmologist’s office.  S’s Vocational Rehab Counselor from DBVI joined us for the appointment.  Since we were there for approximately 3 hours, we had plenty of time to visit with her.  She asked S how school was going.  

After he talked around the issue for 5 minutes, I asked, “Did you tell her you dropped a class?”  

“I kind of did.”  

“No, you didn’t.”

She asked S how he was with time management and organization; she proceeded to offer him many suggestions to help himself with both issues.  At one point, she asked him if he has heard all of this from his parents because “I see your parents sitting over there laughing.”  We told her he can continue to hear the same information over and over and over and over because maybe he will try implementing some of these strategies.

We met with his VR counselor again a couple of days later for a meeting.  She asked us in the meeting, “How is S with time management?”  It is nonexistent.  We explained to her EVERYTHING we have suggested to S to help with his time management.  My husband and I are great at reading and researching.  Everything we have read, we have tried with him.  The lists on websites, in books, recommendations from professionals are all things we have tried with him.

The challenge we have now is that S is a young adult.  We can’t make him “do”.  We can’t enable him.  We can suggest.  We can support.  He must be the “doer”.  He must implement strategies and ask for help when needed.

I will be on the couch with chocolate.....

First semester of college is finished!

Today is the last day of my son’s first semester of college.  It has been an educational semester to say the least.  Okay, I will be honest.  It has been a challenge.  

When the semester first started, I wrote some posts about my son’s ADD and college.  I didn’t post what I wrote as I tried to figure out new boundaries for myself and my son; what I can write about and what I can’t.  I have been off the grid for a while trying to figure this out.

However, today is cause for celebration.  S made it through the semester.  It hasn’t been easy. He has worked EXTREMELY hard.  He has studied a lot.  

My son attends college as a student with three identified disabilities:  Cerebral Palsy - Spastic Quadriplegia, Low Vision, and ADD.  He had accommodations in place before the semester started.  His professors have been awesome about working with him so he could be successful. His biggest challenges came from his ADD:  organization skills,  time management, creating and executing a plan, and prioritizing tasks.

I have so many scenarios I could write about showcasing his challenges, but I haven’t.  Today’s scenario kind of wraps it all up.  

For his last final, my son had to write a final essay (500-750 words) to be turned in at 1:30 today. We planned on leaving at 12:30.  He had to write a final analysis of his writing throughout the semester for his English class.  They have had the opportunity to do extra credit related to this final project after each essay.  He has done that.  He was setting himself up for success.  He created a study plan to get himself through finals.  He knew what needed to be done to keep himself on track.  That train derailed early on…..

Last night, he was typing his essay.  We recommended that he finish it last night so he could sleep in today.  I will skip all of the boring details.  Here was what happened.

Today’s schedule:

2:30 AM:  S came upstairs kicking each step on the way which woke me up.  He informed me he wasn’t finished.

7:30 AM:  S woke up to finish writing.

9:00 AM:  Told me he was almost finished

11:00 AM:  Thought he was done.  Not sure on his word count.  Checked it.  He had 305 words.  Better write some a lot more.

11:30 AM:  Had 490 words.  Wrote one more sentence to push it to 504.

12:27 PM:  Printed paper.  Couldn’t find his phone.  Needed a backpack to put his paper in.  Needed a pencil.

1:40 PM:  I received a text from him that his paper was turned in.

At the end of the day (or semester), he finished. He made it through.  Next semester needs to be different.  He knows what areas he really needs to work on to help himself get through school and life a little easier.

I will be on the couch with chocolate and wine.  I think my husband may join me on the couch with a beer. Enjoy your weekend! We will.

What are you going to name your child?

“Do you have names picked out?”  This is a question parents-to-be are often asked by family and friends.  When you are adopting a child, you may or may not have the opportunity to name your child.  It depends on the circumstances and age of the child.

We have adopted two children.  Our youngest was our first child, and he has been with us since birth.  Our oldest who was our second child was adopted from Bulgaria, and we were given the opportunity to change his name.

Would you like to give me another name?

J has been with us since birth, and we were able to name him; however, all of the ultrasounds showed that he was a she.  My husband and I had decided on a girl's name.  You can already guess what happened.

As the due date approached, I made my husband play the "What if?" game with me.  This after a co-worker at my school told me that his 5 boys were all supposed to be girls.  My husband was adamant that there was no reason for that since the baby was going to be a girl.  The day before the baby was born I finally got him to engage in a discussion in which we decided on a boy's name "just in case" (insert laughter here).

While we were waiting at the hospital for our child to be born, one of the German nurses asked us for the name so she could get some of the paperwork started.  We told her what our daughter's name was going to be.  

After the baby’s birth, we were able to go into the room where the nurses were going to clean the baby up.  Imagine our surprise when we opened the blanket with our bundle of joy and found that she was a he!  There was a lot of whispering back and forth between me and my husband. One of the nurses asked us if there was a problem.  “No problem.  Just a surprise.”  

The first nurse came back to us a few minutes later and asked, "Would you like to give me a different name?"  In case you were wondering, we did.

Do we change the name of a child who already knows his name?

We had a struggle with whether or not to change S's name.  He was 3 at the time we started the adoption process, and he came home when he was 4.  We knew that he was old enough to know his name.  We decided to keep that one thing as a constant in his life since we were changing everything else that he knew.  We decided that we could use the American name "Seth" as a nickname.

When we went to Bulgaria for our initial visit when S was 3, we heard the nickname the caretakers called him and loved it!  He does not go by the nickname Seth.  We retained his birth name and use the nickname his caregivers used which is just a shortened version of his full name.  He has a Bulgarian name/nickname which is very unique here in the United States.  We call him the "one name wonder".  

I will be on the couch with chocolate enjoying my family and our stories.

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What are you going to do with all of your new free time?

When I was homeschooling S, I was once asked by a family member, “What do you do all day?” The whole exchange was blog worthy.  In fact, it was my first blog post and explains the name of my blog.

Now that S has graduated from high school I am often asked, “What are you going to do with all of your new free time?”  It is a valid question.  At a minimum, it implies I was doing something.  I homeschooled S for 7 years, so it would seem reasonable that I would have free time now that I don’t have that responsibility.  

Along with S graduating and relieving me of my teaching, J received his driver’s license this summer.  All of the hours and miles we have spent driving him to/from gymnastics practice are behind us.  He can now drive himself; however, we drive on Tuesdays to help out a friend whose young son wouldn’t be able to get to practice otherwise.  

What are you going to do?

I have been asked if I am going to get a job.  I have been asked if I am going to go back to school to pursue further education.  I was a teacher in my life before we had kids.  I have been asked if I am going to interpret again.

My answer was and continues to be, “I don’t know.  I will wait to see how everything plays out.”  I have looked at various options and different opportunities for myself.

In April, I wrote a blog post about Transitioning Mom.  I wasn’t too far off in my thoughts at that time.

Here’s the reality of my new free time

S does not drive.  He commutes to campus 4 days/week.  We are out of zone for bus service for him.  You see where this is going….

Four days a week,  I am driving him to/from campus.  His schedule changes day by day depending if he has tutoring or is meeting with his professors or needs time in the library.  One day one of his classes met in a campus building that was far enough from the main campus that I had to go pick S up to take him to that building for a 50 minute class.  Just enough time to run to Starbucks and come back to wait.

Yesterday I logged 124 miles taking S to an appointment, driving to/from campus, taking J to/from practice, and I squeezed back to school night in there.  Did I forget to mention that my husband is traveling for work this week?

Anyway,

my new free time is kind of nonexistent.  It is different.  My responsibilities have shifted.  It is a new season of life.  

I will enjoy where I am at in my life while I am on the couch with chocolate!

School and Adoption Sensitivity

This week's Adoption Link Up topic is "School and Adoption Sensitivity."  This is an interesting topic.

Quick background on my family

We have two children.  J was adopted while we lived in Germany.  He has been with us since birth.  When he was two, he became the younger brother when we adopted S who was 4 from Bulgaria.  

Projects requiring baby pictures

Within months of S coming home, he started school as a PreKindergarten student.  PreK students do a lot of projects including pictures of family.  We had read about this and printed articles for his teacher to read.  She was fabulous and worked with us to make sure the projects didn't exclude S by asking for baby pictures.  She worded things by asking for early pictures or young pictures.  We were very fortunate, and we appreciate her sensitivity in how she handled this.

Because J has been with us since birth, baby pictures were never an issue for school projects.

Testing

We had contact with the school prior to S coming home. We wanted them to be aware of this new student they would be getting. The team was amazing! Because S has special needs, the school knew that testing needed to be done.

The following paragraph is from a post I posted in May, Take your test scores and....

"When S started school, we didn’t know for sure how much of an impact his CP and vision issues had on his intellectual development.  We were also dealing with the fact that English was not his first language.  He was adopted from Bulgaria at the age of 4.  Fortunately, we were working with a team that understood all of this.  Just in case they didn’t, I had printed multiple articles off of the internet addressing the issue of testing children who were adopted internationally."

This team was receptive to this information. We were so blessed with them because the next school did not provide us with such positive experiences. 

Family Trees

When the boys had to do family tree projects in primary/elementary school, we gave them ways to incorporate their birth families/culture if they chose.

High School Biology

When J was a freshman, he had Biology in school.  During their unit on Genetics, he came home laughing.  They were discussing eye color and using a Punnett Square.  The teacher was going through the square explaining it.  "If your parents have ____, then you will have ____."  J said he really wanted to raise his hand and explain that both of his parents have blue eyes and he has brown eyes.  

I will be on the couch with chocolate appreciating the fact that our boys' teachers were respectful of our family.

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A Week of College Stuff

This has been a busy week of doing college things, getting ready for college, and making observations about transitioning to college.  Here is a wrap up of the posts I have written about these things.  Enjoy!

A Day at the College

A heat index in the triple digits and we were on campus for 2 1/2 hours doing many things to get my son ready for college.  The pool would have been a better place to be, but we were successful in our campus tasks.

Who knew buying a bag was so difficult?

My son needs a bag for college.  Buying a bag is such an ordeal that it gets its own blog post.

Stop looking at me!

We are working hard on transitioning our son from being dependent upon us to answer questions for him or as he told me, "What was the point of getting the FERPA paper signed if I can't get you to handle the stuff I don't want to?"  Exactly!

I hope you have a good weekend!  I think we only have to go to campus one time next week! That calls for time on the couch with chocolate.

Stop looking at me!

During the past few weeks I have been busy running my son to the college and various other places for appointments and meetings regarding his college transition.  During these appointments, I often found myself wanting to say, “Stop looking at me!”  

This thought is not directed at the people S is meeting with.  This thought is meant for him.  I don’t mean this in a nasty way.  I mean this in a “You are 18 years old, and they really don’t want to talk to me or hear from me.  Stop looking at me when they ask you a question.  It is a question you can answer.”

Every time we leave a place I bring up this observation to him.  He doesn’t realize he’s doing it but he does it EVERY time.  I stress the fact that he is just weeks out from starting college; therefore, he is in a position to answer these questions for himself.  

This is part of his transition, and I get that.  For 14 years, he has looked to us to answer questions for him.  We have been working on this handoff for a few years. He needs to accept that he is now an adult.  We will always be there to support him; however, he has a voice, and it needs to be heard whether he is answering questions or advocating for himself.  

Throughout the years, we have had to redirect questions about S to him rather than to us. Questions like:  

“What is his name?”

“What is his address?”  

“How old is he?”

Now, we need to redirect him to answer the questions without looking at us.  He’s getting there. It will take a little more time. 

Heading off to college is a scary prospect for him. I get that. He told me, "I'm just looking for confirmation." I understand that if it's a question that he's unsure about the answer; however, he has been doing it for every question.

He just needs to stop looking at me especially if I’m on the couch with chocolate.

I think we should take my Bulgarian flag.

My son recently graduated from high school, and we decided to have his graduation party in Minnesota where all of our family lives (we live in Virginia).  Everything we needed for the party needed to be transported, so we had to be very organized and creative in our planning.

I spent hours going through pictures trying to find ones to display on the photo boards.  J put them together.  My husband spent hours some time going through pictures to create a slideshow before J took that task over on our drive to Minnesota.  There is plenty of time to do that when you drive 1400 miles.

The challenge we had for the photo boards which were displayed in chronological order (like a timeline for my son who is passionate about history) was how to handle the first 4 years of his life.  My son is very open about the fact that he was adopted from Bulgaria at the age of 4. Although he is very open about that fact, he doesn’t want to make any connection to Bulgaria. “That is in the past.  I live here.  I am American.”

We talked about the fact that he can’t ignore the first 4 years of his life.  We discussed ways to display that time.  We had a header for the far left side of the board, “Bulgaria”, and it listed the dates from his birth until his Gotcha Day.  We included a few pictures because that is all we had. He gave us the okay on the pictures we used.  We also included a map of Bulgaria showing where he lived and a map of Europe showing where Bulgaria is located.

The day before we left, this was a quick conversation that we had:

S:  "I think we should take my Bulgarian flag for the party.”

Me (astonished):  “I think that is a great idea!”

This was huge!  He even knew exactly where it was in his room which was also a big deal.

The Bulgarian flag stood next to his Bulgarian passport near the left side of the boards.  The far right side of the boards shows all the places he has been.  The pictures in between tell his story up to this point.  

It was so fun to hear everyone’s recollections at the party as they looked at the pictures. “Do you remember when….?”  

First day of PreK

Graduation

You will find me on the couch with chocolate enjoying life.

Maintaining Birth/Cultural Ties

When I saw the Adoption Link-up topic on Maintaining Birth/Cultural Ties, I thought, "I can write about both situations."  We have two children who were adopted in two completely different scenarios:  an American infant who was born in Germany, placed with us at birth while we lived in Germany, and whose adoption was finalized in Germany and a 4 year old who has special needs adopted from Bulgaria who had been living in an orphanage while we lived in Alabama.

Because my children are older, I really need to make sure I am respecting their privacy in these situations and not crossing boundaries.  These are their stories to tell and not mine.  I make sure I have their permission to share anything that is personal.

Maintaining Birth Ties

We are not against maintaining birth ties with J's family.  We have maintained contact with his birth mother from the beginning of our relationship with her.  We send letters and photos twice a year.

Because of social media, it is easier to have contact with extended family in both directions; however, we (my husband and I) discuss this with J since he is an older teen. He is never asked to do anything that makes him uncomfortable, and we wouldn't pursue or share anything that would make him uncomfortable.  That's about all I can say in order to respect my son's privacy.

[As a side note, it is a different world now than when J first came home.  Social media was nonexistent. We didn't have cell phones with cameras.  We couldn’t Facetime or Skype with family. We had to take pictures on the camera with film, run to the express photo shop, and head over to the post office to mail pictures back to the United States.  It is much easier for people to find information/pictures about our children.]

Maintaining Cultural Ties

When S was young, we talked about Bulgarian traditions.  We learned some Bulgarian (We spoke Bulgarish).  We bought children's books that are written in Bulgarian. We took a lot of pictures while we were there.  We have Bulgarian photos/crafts that are displayed proudly in our house and other family member's homes.  

That being said, he is older now (a young adult actually). He is quite adamant about "That is in the past.  I live here now.  I am an American."  Have I mentioned before that he is strong willed?

Where their stories started

Since  both of my boys were born in Europe, we would love to go and visit Germany and Bulgaria.  J would love to go to Germany.  S would love to go to Germany also, but he has informed us that he has no desire to go to Bulgaria.  I really hope he changes his mind because Bulgaria is a beautiful country.  It is where his story begins.

I will be on the couch with chocolate watching their stories unfold.

My son is not a quitter.

I have always enjoyed watching gymnastics.  What has amazed me the most is not the skills the gymnasts do but the fact that if they fall they must pick themselves up, continue on with their routine, and finish the meet.  There is no time for self pity or wallowing.  They must move forward.

My youngest son is a gymnast and has just finished his seventh competition season. I am still amazed, even more so, by the poise and determination these athletes possess in those situations.

At J's final gymnastics meet of the season, his first event was vault.  He had just warmed it up, and it looked really good.  He felt really good about it.  He was the first competitor on the event.  He ran down the runway, did a roundoff onto the springboard, shot left, and missed the vault table.  He stood up, saluted the judges, and walked off to the chairs.  

We knew he was disappointed with his vault, but he doesn't let his feelings show during meets. He had five more events he needed to do yet.  Throughout the remainder of the meet, he had two personal best scores.  He did a new skill that he hadn't competed before.  All of this after the vault.  

What was our takeaway from the meet?  Our son didn't quit.  No matter what happened, he gave it his all.  He stood up with confidence and continued the meet to the best of his ability. This is an awesome skill to have.

We are blessed to have two boys who possess this skill.  The difference is that one chooses to be in an activity where this skill is helpful.  The other one must possess this skill to get through his day to day life.

For S, life is not easy having Cerebral Palsy.  He falls often, literally.  Every time he falls, he picks himself up and continues on with what he was doing.  He doesn't quit.  Ever.  Sometimes he gets hurt when he falls, but he still picks himself up and continues on.  Every time.  He doesn't quit.  He doesn't want help getting back up.  He wants to do it himself.  Every time.

As a mom, there are times (okay many times) I am concerned about their future.  I get it.  It's a mom thing.  At the end of the day, I don't need to be worried.  

My sons are not quitters.  Either of them.  They will pick themselves up every time they fall.  If one can't get up by himself, the other one can and will help.

I will be on the couch with chocolate appreciating the tenacity and perseverance that my boys have.  

Almost to the end of Senior year!

On the Homefront

You know it's been a crazy week when I start with the homefront first.  Our calendar has looked like a mosaic with all of the different colored boxes overlapping and butting up next to each other.  This week the boys have had 3 medical appointments, 2 meetings, an SOL test, and college placement testing.  This is on top of regularly scheduled activities - horseback riding, youth group, and gymnastics practice.  And, my husband had a church meeting squeezed in there.  My husband and I are tired!

Although it was a crazy, busy week, these were all necessary things that were accomplished. That is always a good feeling.  

We have a fairly relaxed weekend ahead of us, so we are looking forward to that.  We are going to a cookout Saturday evening.  We have 2 invitations for Sunday.  Not sure we will make it to both.  S is volunteering all day Monday.  As long as the weather is nice, my husband, J, and I will hang out at the beach during that time.  Looking forward to that!

The Senior

S has had things on the calendar every day this week - Chiropractor, Social Security meeting, College Placement testing, Youth Group, meeting with DBVI Vocational Rehab counselor, and horseback riding.  

With all of the various agency meetings S has had to attend lately, there have been a lot of discussions at home about his future.  They are always interesting conversations as S’s ADD starts to run rampant.  My husband does a good job of summarizing our conversations in his post, Simple problem solving.

This was a week of getting answers and planning the next steps forward. All of the frustration S has felt in the weeks building up to this point is gone as he sees how it all fit together. He got through the wave. Last night was one of the first nights in a LONG time that we didn't have things we needed to get together or discuss or finish something up. He enjoyed that very much.

The big news this week is that S is done with English!!!!  He has one class to finish up for his senior year - German IV.  As he told me yesterday, “You know, I can sit and do that for hours.”  

He hasn't volunteered all month since he has been working hard to cross things off his to-do list. He will be volunteering for 6 hours on Memorial Day.

Tonight we are going to Busch Gardens to partake in the Food and Wine Festival while J is at practice. J figured S could eat his way through the park tonight and make recommendations for when he is able to go. The Food and Wine Festival is S's favorite activity there!

The Sophomore

J had a busy week also.  He started his week with bloodwork for his allergy testing.  He has ended his week with a 730 appointment with the Pediatric Nephrologist for a follow up for his high blood pressure.  My husband took him to the early appointment.

In between his bookend appointments, he had an SOL History test for school.  He has some projects to work on this weekend.  He finished up a project last weekend and is turning it in today (early) for extra credit.

He only had practice for 4 days this week since his coach was just returning from vacation.  J was glad to be back in the gym although he got a nasty rip the first night of practice this week!

What did I write this week?

Graduation is coming - ready or not!

How much did he cost? and other questions  

After this crazy week, you will find me on the couch (and the beach) with chocolate!

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