Teach him how to fall

When our son first arrived home from Bulgaria at the age of 4, we started his PT in Alabama. The PT asked what goals we wanted her to to work on with him.  We told her, “We want you to teach him how to fall.”  This might seem like a strange request for the PT.  There are so many other skills we could have asked for her to list in S’s goals.  As we continued our conversation with her, it made perfect sense.  

As a 4 year old, S was very impulsive.  He didn’t realize that he needed to slow down a little bit. He had a reverse walker and was ready to roll!  The problem came when he fell in the hallway or off of the curb.  When you use a walker, you have both hands on your walker.  When you fall forward in a reverse walker with your hands still on the walker, you catch yourself with your face. Unfortunately, this happened more than once multiple times.

They worked on that skill.  He learned how to fall without using his face to catch himself.  We were so excited with this new skill that we would praise him when he fell.  Imagine the reactions of other people observing us as S fell in the store; praising the boy with a walker for a “good fall” instead of running over to coddle him.  Don’t judge!  He worked many hours to make that fall look that good, and he didn’t catch himself with his face!

As S progressed from a walker to crutches, his falls became different and more frequent. Crutches are much less stable than a walker.  S learned how to handle different terrains and floor types.  

Watching him fall

The natural instinct for those around S is to try to catch him if he falls.  That is problematic at this point in his life. It was different when he was younger...and lighter.  He’s not heavy, but he is like a dead weight when he is falling.  We have had to tell people you need to let him fall.  He knows how to do it; if he does, he will get back up because my son is not a quitter.

What does falling look like now?

As a young adult who is in college, falling looks different for our son.  It is more figurative than literal. Entering adulthood brings more challenges into life.  College comes with challenges - meeting deadlines, getting your work done, studying, turning assignments in, making choices about how to best use your time.  Many of these challenges are magnified due to S’s ADD.

My husband and I gave S quite a bit of guidance first semester as he was learning his way through the process.  He has been given the tools he needs to be successful.  He needs to choose to use them or he is going to fall.

Watching him fall

As I stated above, “the natural instinct for those around S is to try to catch him if he falls.  That is problematic at this point in his life. It was different when he was younger.”  At this point in his life, he needs to learn from his choices.  It doesn't mean we can't holler out an occasional warning about a "trip hazard"; however, there are many times my husband and I need to stand back and “watch him fall.” It’s not easy, but he has the tools to catch himself...or get himself back up.

I will be on the couch with chocolate….reading my book....reminding myself it is okay if he falls. He will get back up. 

What my son has learned - the first year of college

S has officially made it through the first year of college!!!!!!  It has been quite the experience for him…..and us.  He has received an education and MANY learning opportunities.  There have been “growing pains”.

He has grown up this past year.  He has always been an advocate for himself, but he really stepped up to the plate at college.  He has addressed many issues on campus regarding accessibility, and he presented at a workshop regarding accessibility as a student (just realized I never wrote about that).  He has learned that college isn’t cheap and that textbooks are ridiculously priced!  

He has learned that his parents have been trying to prepare him for the reality of college throughout the years (schedules, due dates, task management).  He has also learned that he is weak in some most of these areas.

He has learned that he does well with an online format.  Despite the fact that he’s not a morning person, he learned that he prefers morning classes over afternoon classes.  He has learned that self-paced isn’t necessarily as great as it sounds.  He has learned that due dates are real.

I think my son’s biggest lesson learned this year is that he CAN do this.  He has done well.  We encouraged him to start with a lighter load this year to get used to everything. He will be taking two classes during summer school which is on an accelerated cycle. For fall semester, he has currently scheduled three classes for himself.  He can do it.  He just needs to remember that.

He has learned that he has a huge support system in place. He has learned that we all want him to be the best that he can be.

Here is a recap of posts I wrote during S’s first year of school:

Ummmm...You don't know what it's like.

College just got real!

Homeschooling was REALLY comfortable!

The first week of college

What are the other kids doing?

I thought you were exaggerating.

Did you ever think…?

Due dates are not optional!

First semester of college is finished!

“Winging it” is not a plan for success.

How is S with time management?

I will be on the couch with chocolate celebrating this successful first year and remembering all of the lessons learned.  

How is S with time management?

S:  I’m doing well with my schoolwork.

Me:  And you should be.  You only have one class.

This was the tail end of a conversation that my son and I were having the other day.  This conversation started when he came downstairs at approximately 1:00 pm to start his day.  The deal we have is that if you are living at home as a young adult you need to be a productive member of society.  Most productive members start their day prior to 1:00.  I know, I know. Some people work the night shift.  He does not!

[Disclaimer:  This post might seem like it is jumping all over the place.  It has felt that way at our house the past few months. Welcome to our world!]

How did we get here?

There are so many things leading up to this point.  S graduated from high school last year and is currently a student at our local community college.  He started last semester with 7 credits, and that was enough for him.  

Fall Semester

A few posts I wrote last semester include:

The day before college starts

I thought you were exaggerating.

Due dates are not optional!

First semester of college is finished!

There is a common theme in these posts and they have to do with time management and organization.  Our son who is attending college with CP and Low Vision is having a challenging time with his ADD at school.

Spring Semester

This challenge is evidenced by his idea of a plan for college which I had to write about early this semester:  “Winging it” is not a plan for college success.”

He started this semester with two classes.  He is now down to one.  He was missing deadlines in one class.  Not only was he turning in work late, it was incomplete and not his best work.  We had to sit down with him and inform him that it was time to drop the one class, so he could salvage his other class.  

Discussions with Vocational Rehab Counselor

A couple of weeks ago we were at the ophthalmologist’s office.  S’s Vocational Rehab Counselor from DBVI joined us for the appointment.  Since we were there for approximately 3 hours, we had plenty of time to visit with her.  She asked S how school was going.  

After he talked around the issue for 5 minutes, I asked, “Did you tell her you dropped a class?”  

“I kind of did.”  

“No, you didn’t.”

She asked S how he was with time management and organization; she proceeded to offer him many suggestions to help himself with both issues.  At one point, she asked him if he has heard all of this from his parents because “I see your parents sitting over there laughing.”  We told her he can continue to hear the same information over and over and over and over because maybe he will try implementing some of these strategies.

We met with his VR counselor again a couple of days later for a meeting.  She asked us in the meeting, “How is S with time management?”  It is nonexistent.  We explained to her EVERYTHING we have suggested to S to help with his time management.  My husband and I are great at reading and researching.  Everything we have read, we have tried with him.  The lists on websites, in books, recommendations from professionals are all things we have tried with him.

The challenge we have now is that S is a young adult.  We can’t make him “do”.  We can’t enable him.  We can suggest.  We can support.  He must be the “doer”.  He must implement strategies and ask for help when needed.

I will be on the couch with chocolate.....

"Winging it" is not a plan for college success.

My son started his Spring semester classes this week.  It was definitely a different feeling for him starting this semester than his first semester.  He was more relaxed than he was on his first day last semester.

Last semester presented some challenges for him, especially in time management and organization.  During his 4 week break, we spent time discussing with him what went really well last semester and what could be improved.  We spent a lot of time discussing strategies that could help him with his time management:  creating a daily schedule, creating study plans for himself, asking others to check in with him as accountability partners (not nags), etc.

He received his English syllabus a week ahead of time.  He looked that over and put some due dates on Google calendar.  He received his Geography syllabus at the end of last week.  Looked at it and panicked a little bit!  We talked him through it.  It’s all good. His geography class is an online class which means he needs to be diligent in creating time to study and work for it.

Which brings us to this week.  The other day he was hanging out, walking around downstairs in circles, not being very productive.  He had work that could have been done, but he was roaming like he didn’t have a care in the world.  

I asked him, “Are you going to create a study plan for yourself this week or are you just going to wing it?”

“Since it is the first week of the semester, I think I will just wing it.”

SERIOUSLY???

I very kindly told him that was the wrong answer.  Please try again.

I will be on the couch with chocolate…..

First semester of college is finished!

Today is the last day of my son’s first semester of college.  It has been an educational semester to say the least.  Okay, I will be honest.  It has been a challenge.  

When the semester first started, I wrote some posts about my son’s ADD and college.  I didn’t post what I wrote as I tried to figure out new boundaries for myself and my son; what I can write about and what I can’t.  I have been off the grid for a while trying to figure this out.

However, today is cause for celebration.  S made it through the semester.  It hasn’t been easy. He has worked EXTREMELY hard.  He has studied a lot.  

My son attends college as a student with three identified disabilities:  Cerebral Palsy - Spastic Quadriplegia, Low Vision, and ADD.  He had accommodations in place before the semester started.  His professors have been awesome about working with him so he could be successful. His biggest challenges came from his ADD:  organization skills,  time management, creating and executing a plan, and prioritizing tasks.

I have so many scenarios I could write about showcasing his challenges, but I haven’t.  Today’s scenario kind of wraps it all up.  

For his last final, my son had to write a final essay (500-750 words) to be turned in at 1:30 today. We planned on leaving at 12:30.  He had to write a final analysis of his writing throughout the semester for his English class.  They have had the opportunity to do extra credit related to this final project after each essay.  He has done that.  He was setting himself up for success.  He created a study plan to get himself through finals.  He knew what needed to be done to keep himself on track.  That train derailed early on…..

Last night, he was typing his essay.  We recommended that he finish it last night so he could sleep in today.  I will skip all of the boring details.  Here was what happened.

Today’s schedule:

2:30 AM:  S came upstairs kicking each step on the way which woke me up.  He informed me he wasn’t finished.

7:30 AM:  S woke up to finish writing.

9:00 AM:  Told me he was almost finished

11:00 AM:  Thought he was done.  Not sure on his word count.  Checked it.  He had 305 words.  Better write some a lot more.

11:30 AM:  Had 490 words.  Wrote one more sentence to push it to 504.

12:27 PM:  Printed paper.  Couldn’t find his phone.  Needed a backpack to put his paper in.  Needed a pencil.

1:40 PM:  I received a text from him that his paper was turned in.

At the end of the day (or semester), he finished. He made it through.  Next semester needs to be different.  He knows what areas he really needs to work on to help himself get through school and life a little easier.

I will be on the couch with chocolate and wine.  I think my husband may join me on the couch with a beer. Enjoy your weekend! We will.

October is ADHD Awareness Month, so I had planned on compiling a series of posts for this month.  My son was diagnosed with ADD 9 years ago and has been on medication since that time.  It was a life changing diagnosis for him.

My husband and I are pretty well versed on ADD.  We have read a lot about it.  We have tried many strategies to help our son in areas that are struggles for him due to his ADD:  time management, organization, prioritization of tasks.  We have purchased apps for his phone.  We have purchased wall calendars to try to help him visualize short and long term deadlines.  We have helped him set up binders.  You name it...we have tried it.

This leads me to my opening statement.  I planned on a series of posts.  I had even started putting ideas together.  Then, my son started college!  Wow!  It has been a time in our house. There are some good times and there are some tough times.

Not only is my son a college student, he is a college student who has Cerebral Palsy, Low Vision, and ADD.  Of these three labels, ADD is the one causing the most challenges in college. Accommodations are in place for his fine motor challenges and for his Low Vision.  All of his accommodations he receives for his CP and Low Vision are also beneficial accommodations for his ADD.  That is good.

The challenge is that accommodations cannot take the place of being organized, turning your work in on time, printing your work to turn in on time, prioritizing your tasks, staying on task, etc. If you have a child who has ADD, you understand this.  

The biggest issue my son is having right now is that all of the challenges are battling to be the forerunner in his life.  It has been a tough time for him which means a tough time for everyone else here.

Because prioritizing his work is a challenge and time management are challenges, due dates are like four letter words to S.  He thinks due dates should be fluid dates and can be moved if that works better for him.  If he’s getting tired or easily distracted, he should just be able to stop his work until it is a better, more convenient time for him.  That worked when he was homeschooled; it doesn’t work in college.  

Due dates are not optional!

He heard this while he was homeschooled also, but he didn’t listen to us (I thought you were exaggerating.)

There have been some many challenges so far this semester.  This week really threw some wrenches into his plans which were very good plans.  But….life happens.  He survived, and we survived.  His white board might be completely erased this weekend. We are all breathing a little easier right now.  

I will be on the couch with chocolate and wine (I’m not going to lie.).

What are you going to do with all of your new free time?

When I was homeschooling S, I was once asked by a family member, “What do you do all day?” The whole exchange was blog worthy.  In fact, it was my first blog post and explains the name of my blog.

Now that S has graduated from high school I am often asked, “What are you going to do with all of your new free time?”  It is a valid question.  At a minimum, it implies I was doing something.  I homeschooled S for 7 years, so it would seem reasonable that I would have free time now that I don’t have that responsibility.  

Along with S graduating and relieving me of my teaching, J received his driver’s license this summer.  All of the hours and miles we have spent driving him to/from gymnastics practice are behind us.  He can now drive himself; however, we drive on Tuesdays to help out a friend whose young son wouldn’t be able to get to practice otherwise.  

What are you going to do?

I have been asked if I am going to get a job.  I have been asked if I am going to go back to school to pursue further education.  I was a teacher in my life before we had kids.  I have been asked if I am going to interpret again.

My answer was and continues to be, “I don’t know.  I will wait to see how everything plays out.”  I have looked at various options and different opportunities for myself.

In April, I wrote a blog post about Transitioning Mom.  I wasn’t too far off in my thoughts at that time.

Here’s the reality of my new free time

S does not drive.  He commutes to campus 4 days/week.  We are out of zone for bus service for him.  You see where this is going….

Four days a week,  I am driving him to/from campus.  His schedule changes day by day depending if he has tutoring or is meeting with his professors or needs time in the library.  One day one of his classes met in a campus building that was far enough from the main campus that I had to go pick S up to take him to that building for a 50 minute class.  Just enough time to run to Starbucks and come back to wait.

Yesterday I logged 124 miles taking S to an appointment, driving to/from campus, taking J to/from practice, and I squeezed back to school night in there.  Did I forget to mention that my husband is traveling for work this week?

Anyway,

my new free time is kind of nonexistent.  It is different.  My responsibilities have shifted.  It is a new season of life.  

I will enjoy where I am at in my life while I am on the couch with chocolate!

Did you ever think....?

“Did you ever think when you brought me home from Bulgaria that one day you would be driving me to college?”

This is the question my son asked me the other morning on our drive to campus. Hmmm…..It is a valid question.  Fourteen years ago S came home from Bulgaria.  At the time, we knew he had Cerebral Palsy.  He has since added the labels ADD and Low Vision to his medical resume.  

What were our expectations of the 4 year old who came into our lives?  Was it college?  I don’t know that college was the expectation; however, we did think of it as a possibility.  It’s hard to gauge what any 4 year old is going to do in 14 years, especially one who speaks a different language than everyone else in the family.

We just knew that we wanted every possible opportunity made available to him, so he would be prepared for whatever path he desired - college, technical education, work, etc.  In order for college to be a possibility, he needed to be pushed academically.

We have been blessed along his educational journey with mostly positive experiences and some negative experiences.  All of them have provided us with learning opportunities.  What works for S and what doesn’t work.  What are his abilities?  What are his strengths?  What are his weaknesses?

Attending college was the option he picked.  Not only is he attending, he is doing well.  He has learned a lot about himself in the 4 weeks he has been attending class.  We are seeing him take ownership of his learning (hallelujah!).  He is self-advocating.  He is meeting with his professors and creating personal relationships with them.  He asks for help when he needs it.

The answer to his question would be, “We just wanted you to do what you wanted to be happy.” 

The better question would probably have been, “Can you believe you are the parents of a college student?”  

I will be on the couch with chocolate trying to figure out how my kids are getting older while I am not.  Have a great weekend!

I thought you were exaggerating.

My son who started college 3 weeks ago is feeling overwhelmed as he creates his “to-do” lists for his classes.  This is what we hear during and after the list making process:

“How am I supposed to get all of this done?”

“I have a project and my homework to complete for Statistics!”

“I need to read, take notes, and write an essay.”

“When am I supposed to _____?”

Background

My son was homeschooled for 7 years throughout middle and high school.  We knew he planned on going to college.  We prepped him for it.  We made sure he had the classes he would need. We worked REALLY hard to get him to practice and utilize good study habits. 

The challenge my son has in implementing good study habits (setting a schedule, organizing himself, time management, etc) is that he has ADD so these are not traits that come easily to him.  

Every year, every day, we have talked through strategies that might be helpful to him.  We have read information.  We have shared information.  We have asked for input from him to try to figure out how to best help him help himself.  

We have used wall calendars.  We have used Google Calendar and the task list.  We have listed work on a white board in order of priority after talking through the process of prioritizing.  We have talked about reasonable time limits for work.

High School

As S made his way through high school, we continued to stress the importance of having a list, a plan, a schedule, etc. to get his work done in a timely fashion.  This would allow him to have free time which we all need.

As college became a reality, my husband and I told him that the work was going to be more difficult.  It was going to be faster. It was going to be a balance between the classes.  College professors aren’t overly concerned with the fact that you have a project, test, and paper due all the same week or day.

College

Now that my son is in college and can see all of his work up on his 4 month calendar, the reality of the pace and workload is upon him.  See the above quotes.

Yesterday, as we drove to campus, he was telling me AGAIN that the pace is just crazy.  

How are we supposed to learn that quickly?

You are in college.  This is how it is.  We have been telling you that for years.

I know, but I didn’t think you were telling me the truth.  I thought you were exaggerating to get my attention.

Nope.  Nothing but the facts.

I will be on the couch with chocolate, and I’m not exaggerating about that!

What are the other kids doing?

"What are the other kids doing?"  This question has often been asked by S since he started PreK. He always wanted to do what the other kids were doing whether it was work, play, or activities.  

When he realized that a reduced work load was an accommodation being discussed in an IEP meeting, he was adamant that he was not having that. 

"What are the other kids doing? That is what I will do."

As he became older, he realized that he did do what the other kids were doing. He may have done it differently or it may have taken longer, but he did it.

Last year as we talked about S going to college we discussed the fact that he might have to start with a lighter load. "What? Is that what the other kids do when they start college?"  Some might.

We spent a lot of time talking about the pace of a college class, the work load, and the fact that we wanted him to be successful not frazzled. He did agree to start with 7 credits: Statistics, English Composition, and College Success Skills.

Two weeks into the semester and he understands why we wanted him to start with a lighter load.

1.  He has already decided that there is no way he can take 12 credits next semester.

2.  He has realized that he prefers morning class over afternoon class. He is not a morning person but he has realized the benefit of getting up and starting his day.

3.  He fully gets why he needs to stay on top of his homework, especially statistics.

"All I do is math homework." 

Yep. Welcome to college.

4.  He has also realized that he doesn't want to do what the other kids are doing which is not doing their homework. We keep telling him that all of his hard work now will pay off later (I hope that comes true).  

You will find me on the couch with chocolate and some wine as we help S study Statistics. There will be a celebration at our house when that class is finished!

(I managed to write this entire post on my phone while waiting to pick S up from his class.)

The first week of college

My son started college this week.  This is a BIG deal at our house.  S has worked very hard to get to this point in his life.  He hasn’t done this alone.  We haven’t done this alone.  It has taken a village to get our son here.  In the post, “I have been successful”, my son writes about the help he has received from others.  It has truly been a group effort.

Let me tell you about this week.

The day before college starts

This post talks about all we have done this past year to get to this point.  It has been a lot of work, but we made it to the day before.

The first day of classes

I dropped my son off before his morning class.  His last words to me were, “Pray for me.”  Oh, I have been...a lot.

The second day of classes

Today was just one class, English.  My son had already had contact with the professor.  He said this classroom is smaller than the other classrooms he is in, so there are challenges maneuvering himself to the front of the room.  Other students helped get the table where he needed it.  The helpfulness of others has been a true blessing!

This weekend

This weekend we will be helping S get himself organized.  This is a challenge for him, but he is motivated.  He already has his new digital recorder.  He has purchased new Dragon software for himself (appreciate the student discount).  He needed the Premium version which is supposed to transcribe his recorded lectures.  Can we get a Hallelujah for that?  Technology is a wonderful thing!!

In addition to starting classes, my son also had a dental appointment and a chiropractor appointment.  Fun, fun, fun!

Next week should be a routine week of classes for him.  My friend who has offered to help with transportation has already asked about next week.  I told her we need one full week to really work through the logistics of everything - timing for drop off/pick up, tutoring schedules, additional meetings, and which parking spaces are the best options for S to get himself to class.  We had some issues with Thursday’s parking spaces and the path that a wheelchair is expected to get through and around.  S decided he would rather wheel himself for a longer distance than have the closer route.

This weekend will be spent on the couch with chocolate enjoying my son's successful week!